I couldn’t stop reading Milo’s last text to me. I couldn’t believe Milo would say something as cruel as he did. We’ve known each other since we were babies. His decision to hit send on that last text made me question everything I knew about him. I immediately blocked his number and all of the social media accounts we’d followed each other on. Milo is fucking dead to me.
I looked down at my phone once the screen lit up on my bed. I wiped my eyes of all the tears I’ve cried because of that text. Of course, I went to the one person I knew I could trust. I picked up the phone, wiping my nose with the back of my sweater.
“Aaron,” I answered, clearly stuffy after crying. “I’m sorry for spazzing out, I–“
“Hey, it’s okay,” Aaron calmly said over the phone. “Are you okay? What happened?”
“I just,” I began to say before I felt the tears start to build up in my eyes. “I need to get out of the house for a bit. Get my mind off of things and I just really want to see you.” I couldn’t help but wipe the tears already falling down my face. “I’ve been having such a shitty day and I just–“
“Meet me at the studio,” Aaron said. “The guys are leaving in 20 minutes but I’ll stay around.” I sniffled and smiled.
“Thanks,” I simply said before hanging up the phone. I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath before opening my bedroom door to exit.
Walking down the stairs, my mom and Alex are in the kitchen putting groceries away. Alex was the first to notice me walk into the room.
“Hey, kid,” Alex greeted me. My mom turned around, still continuing to empty the grocery bags.
“Mol,” my mom called out for me. “Would you mind helping me set the table later on for dinner? Jennifer is coming over to celebrate Milo’s birthday. ” Fuck Milo.
“I was actually going to ask if I can go out for awhile, ” I asked, leaning against the doorframe. “I wanted to rehearse a couple of the songs for vocal with my friends.”
“Is Milo going with you?” my mom asked. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes every time she mentioned his name.
“No,” I quickly said. “He had made other plans.” Lies. I don’t give a shit what that loser was doing for his birthday. My mom stopped what she was doing and put her hand on her hip, now looking at me.
“Do I know these other friends?” she asked. I sighed, already annoyed that this was taking so long to do.
“Mom,” I simply said. “It’s practice for a show that’s literally in a week.”
“Let her go, babe,” Alex said to my mom. “She’s in high school now.” I looked at Alex, surprised that he was siding with me on this. My mom sighed loudly before picking up another grocery bag to continue her task.
“Just be back home before 6,” she said as she opened the cabinets. “Jennifer should be here by then.”
“Thanks,” I said as I quickly ran back upstairs to my room. I grabbed my bag from off of my bed and hurried back out to finally meet up with Aaron.
…
I looked for the studio that him and his band were practicing it. I finally see one of the doors open and his bandmates start to walk out. One of them accidentally bumps into me to which he immediately turns around.
“Oh shit, I’m sorry Mollie,” Xavier said to me. I smiled, waving it off as it being nothing. He turns around and calls out for Aaron. “Yo bro, your girl is here!”
“My girl has a name, X,” Aaron said, walking toward the front of the studio door. He smiles once he sees me. “Hey, Mols.”
“Hey, Aaron,” I simply said. Nothing else is said; Aaron looks at his bandmates, giving them a sign to leave. It looks like they get it as they start to pack their things up and leave the studio. I waved goodbye to them as Aaron closed the studio door behind them. He points to the sofa at the corner of the small studio space, gesturing me to sit down.
“So tell me what happened,” Aaron said, jumping straight to the point. “I don’t like to hear you sniffling and crying over the phone.”
“I’m sorry,” I started to say. “It’s just… I had gotten this really nasty text message and it just made me upset when I read it.”
“What did it say?” Aaron asked. I was afraid to tell him only because it involved him in a certain way. I didn’t want Aaron to get himself in trouble because of Milo. I couldn’t hide the worry in my face; he immediately knew it was bothering me. “Mols?” I didn’t want to say the words out loud; it felt dirty to actually do so. I felt defeated; I gave him my phone so that he can read the messages himself.
I see the expression visibly change on Aaron’s face has he read the messages. He was angry, most definitely, but was trying to mask it every time he saw he look at him. He sighed and handed the phone back to me. He looked down at his feet as if he couldn’t look at me anymore. It made me sad. Why does this have to be so difficult to enjoy?
“Just say it,” I said coldly, not looking at him. I can see he lifted his head up to look at me. I didn’t look back at him. “Just fucking say it–“
“What do you want me to say, Mollie?” Aaron finally said, turning his entire body to face me. I finally look up to face him.
“That I deserved it. I was the one that started the whole text thing. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.” I started to list off all of the rational things I did wrong in this situation. “But I’ve been hurt by Milo for so long now that I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to hurt him the way he’s hurt me.”
“Why do you let someone like Milo even get to you?” Aaron asked. “Seriously, Mols. I understand that you guys have been friends since the beginning of time. But, for fuck’s sake, he is the worst example of what a best friend should be.”
“That doesn’t mean that what he does or says doesn’t hurt, Aaron,” I argued back. “Like Milo and I–“
“Milo has made it clear time and time again that he does not see the same value in you the way you do for him,” He stated. “I don’t care how much shit you give him about what’s-her-face. A guy should never tell a girl what he said to you.” At this point, I couldn’t help but start crying. The last 11 years of my life that I visibly remember were full of memories that involved Milo. We hanged out with each other every single day during summer break as kids. We went on vacations together. We stood up for each other at school. We always put each other first when our friendship was put to the test. This time feels absolutely different. This time, I don’t think we will ever be what we once were.
Aaron immediately put his arms around me and pulled me in for a hug. I couldn’t stop sobbing in Aaron’s body. I felt bad for him. He seemed to consult me more whenever Milo upsets me. It felt like I wasn’t doing anything that made him feel like I was actually his girlfriend. He lifted my head with the palm of his hands to look at me. His thumbs brush off the tears that were falling down my face.
“It’s going to be okay, Mols,” Aaron said as he looked into my eyes. “Whenever you’re upset, it makes me so angry. I’m trying my hardest to not punch Milo in the jaw for what he did.”
“If it was some random guy I’d say go for it,” I said, trying to lessen the tension of this conversation. I sighed once I realized Aaron was serious. “But it’s not even worth all the trouble it’ll cause. You’ll lose your dual major status, and I would never hear the end of it from my sister.” I looked at him before giving him a faint smile. “I appreciate your need to protect me though.” Aaron returned the gesture; faintly smiling as he let out a deep breath. I couldn’t stop looking at him in this moment.
I protect those I care about,” Aaron said in a cryptic way before looking into my eyes as well. “But you? I’m so in love with you, Mollie.” His words bubbled in me like a can of freshly opened soda. I wanted to scream it out to the world. I finally felt what love truly was. I know that there’s so much about love I still have to learn. In this moment, I felt an undeniable truth. I was also completely in love with Aaron.
He leaned in to kiss my lips and I immediately accepted it. This kiss felt different than the ones we typically share. Sure, we’ve made out before, but this felt more than just that. In a way, it felt like it was pure lust. I wanted nothing more than to feel Aaron’s skin on mine.
Jennifer always told me that you will know when our first time is meant to happen. “You will know when you’re with the right person to share that moment with. You’re not going to have that feeling with just anybody.”
I suddenly start to unzip Aaron’s hoodie as we continued to kiss. He helped by taking his arms out of the sleeves to place his hands on my face. He deepened the kiss as he grabbed the back of my neck and ran his fingers down my spine. Whoa. I get up from the sofa, breaking the kiss to stand in front of him. I looked at him sitting on the sofa as I began to take off my sweatshirt. Our eyes were locked on each other. In the heat of the moment, I sat on top of his lap, facing him to continue kissing him. I was feeling things I never felt before until I felt Aaron break up the kiss.
“Hold on,” Aaron said, catching his breath. “Are you sure you want to do this?” I looked at him, trying to not reveal just how vulnerable I was in this moment.
“Do… do you not want to do this?” I asked, looking at Aaron. He didn’t answer right away and I was beginning to feel too exposed. I was about to get off of Aaron, grab my things, and leave the studio. I’m stupid to ever misread his true intentions.
“I do,” Aaron started to answer. “More than anything, but–“
“But what?” I asked him, not letting him finish his sentence. “But you think I’m not ready or something?”
“Is this your first time doing it?” Aaron asked me, which took me back for a moment. “Is this where you want your first time to be?”
“Well, we would share our first time here together,” I try to persuade him. Aaron didn’t look convinced.
“Mols, this wouldn’t be my first time,” Aaron admitted. I looked at Aaron, surprised to what I just heard. I get up from his lap, backing away from the sofa.
“What?” I asked. I couldn’t say anything else but just that. I really wanted to ask the hard-hitting questions. Why didn’t I know this before? When was your first time? Who was it with? What made you decide that would be your first time? “What?”
“I don’t want our first time being on some dingy sofa in the studio,” Aaron explained, getting up from the seat. “I want your first time to be everything you’d imagine.”
“So, it’s true,” I said, disappointed. “I’m… I’m not your first?” I hated that my words were coming off this way. I didn’t want him to think I was saving myself for him, especially now that I knew he didn’t save himself for me. I feel so fucking stupid. I looked back at him, feeling angry more than anything now. “Why wouldn’t you tell me that you’d had sex already? Why was it this big secret?”
“We never spoke about this before,” Aaron answered, getting a bit defensive. “It wasn’t a big secret; you never asked.”
“That’s because I assumed you never had sex either!” I shouted back, reaching for my sweatshirt from the ground. “Like how are you gonna tell me moments before we do it that this isn’t your first time?”
“Mollie,” Aaron said my name in a stern way, keeping a straight face as he spoke to me. “The first time I had sex was with my girlfriend of two years. My last relationship. The one you know about.”
“Stop lying to me, Aaron,” I spat back, grabbing my things as I spoke. This was stupid for me to do. I feel so… fucking… stupid. “You’re trying to tell me you were having sex with your girlfriend in middle school?!” Aaron looked confused as if he couldn’t understand the language I was speaking in. “Were you just fucking girls behind my back these last couple of months and didn’t tell me?” His eyebrows scrunched together, visibly getting mad at me.
“Maybe if you didn’t jump to all of these conclusions, you’d allow me to speak,” Aaron spat out. “We clearly need to do more work before we both start thinking with our body parts–“
“Just fucking say it, Aaron!” I yelled out now, wanting nothing more to crawl out of my own skin and disappear. “Just say you don’t want to have sex with me because I’m inexperienced and you want someone who knows what they’re doing–“
“For fuck’s sake Mollie, I’m older than you!” Aaron admitted. “Have you thought about that possibility? I am not the same age as you!” I stood there in complete shock. I felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach.
“You’re what?” I asked, now feeling extremely uncomfortable. I start to panic in the studio as I gathered my things to leave. “Oh my god, I can’t believe this, I can’t–“
“Mollie,” Aaron said as he grabbed my arms to look at me.
“Let go of me!” I screamed. I got out of his grasp, picking up the things I had dropped. “I can’t fucking believe you! You wouldn’t tell me something as important as you being older than me?!”
“Mols, it’s only by a year,” Aaron clarified. A year? I feel the tension leave my shoulders. God, I feel even more fucking stupid.
“A year?” I asked softly. “So… so you’re–“
“Gonna be 16 this year,” Aaron finished my sentence.
“Then how are you in all the freshman performing art class–“
“I’m a sophomore that transferred from another school, therefore placing me in those freshman classes,” Aaron further explained. “Mollie, why do you take things to the extreme without even letting me explain myself?” I don’t say anything back. I knew I fucked up and ruined what was suppose to be a memorable moment between us. I always tend to fuck everything good up.
“I understand if you want to break up with me,” I said, trying to keep my composure. “I understand if I’m too dramatic or if I freak out over the littlest of things and you honestly deserve someone that–” Before I could continue, Aaron kisses me hard on the lips; deepening it every time we both separated for air. Once we came out of the kiss, I looked at him straight in the eyes. He already was looking into mine.
“I’m sorry that we didn’t talk about this sooner,” Aaron began to say. “I didn’t expect us to move so fast like this.” Aaron placed his hand on my cheek, caressing my chin as he slowly lifted it close to his mouth. “But I meant what I said earlier, Mols. I love you.” I couldn’t stop staring into his eyes. My emotions were all over the place, and maybe that’s just because I wanted this to work out.
“I love you too, Aaron,” I gently said as I softly kissed his lips.
Letters From Liz. 