If you follow me on my personal account on Instagram, you will notice how unserious I am about posting on the platform. Sure, my pictures are edited to fit a certain vibe that I’m going for, but once you click on that highlighted circle around my profile picture, you will see just how stupid and silly I can be. One hour, I could post something relatable about my job; the next hour I could post myself blasting music in my house and dancing along to the song.
You could almost say that I am a completely different person on the internet. Not a catfish, but maybe like a personality catfish.
I say that because in person, I’m not as outgoing as I seem to be on social media. I am pretty reserved in person; I get nervous talking to people in general, I don’t say much when I’m in a crowd, and like any person with any level of social anxiety, I am constantly thinking about the things I shouldn’t do or say for the sake of people judging me or making fun of me.
It’s a very backwards ideology: to not give a shit about what people think or say on the internet when I’m being my authentic self versus being self-conscious in person because I’m afraid of people seeing me in a weird or negative light, right? Well, it’s much simpler than you think.
Hi, my name is Liz, and my own personal ‘boss battle’ of life is unapologetically being myself in real life.
For most of my 2os, I fought myself a ton when it came to finding my identity and embracing what it looked like on me. From being just a student to then being a person in society to being a a part of various online communities, I spent the last decade really trying to figure out what it was that I wanted out of life and for myself. Now just starting my 30s, I have a better idea on the things that feeds my soul ad what truly makes me happy as a person.
I know that I like my alone time. I like to be my own company, I like to take on projects by myself, and possibly the most odd thing of them all is that I prefer to go to events (like concerts) buy myself. I’ve accepted the fact that for the most part I am very introverted, but I also can’t help the fact that I tend to have these extroverted tendencies. What I mean by that is that at a party, I want to get up from my seat and dance to the music playing. When I’m in a circle of people that I am comfortable being in, I want to be more vocal and speak out in conversation. It’s like I am introverted by nature, but my personality is more extroverted.
I can’t help but feel insecure whenever I feel like my introverted side traps me inside this box. Am I a drag to be around because I don’t say much in conversation or if I’m terribly shy? Do people feel awkward around me when I feel awkward in a social setting? If I decide to do something that is outside of my normal introverted nature, will people looks at me differently or judge me for doing something they normally wouldn’t see me do? All these things roam around in my head whenever I am in a social setting, so I tend to force myself to be the version that society knows me as. Quiet. Shy. Let other people speak for me. Sometimes awkward as fuck.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want to finally allow myself to be the person I am behind closed doors. I want to show people how funny I can be, how silly and random and carefree that I am while giving a shit that I may be weird or over the top. I think back to the girl I was growing up in the late 90s and early 2000s: Always outgoing and talking to everyone, being my true self and not caring about those poking fun at me and if they did, I addressed it. I think back to my younger self a lot when I think about my potential to be more outgoing in real life; I even look up to my childhood self for inspiration to do so.
I guess this is ultimately what I consider my video game “boss battle” of life. I still have to level up in my skills in order to enter this battle stage as ready as I can be. I still have all these side quests that need to be completed that will teach me new techniques and moves to use once I enter the boss battle. Yes, I will fail and yes, each heart I lose in the process will make me weary about even trying again afterwards, but with enough practice and understanding of the different levels, I will be able to finally get to that boss battle. In this sense, I still have to put myself out there in ways that will make me uncomfortable at first. I still have to try and fail and learn different ways to get past this belief that my authentic self is “too much” for people to see. I still have to challenge myself in smaller settings and give myself side tasks to accomplish in order to conquer the boss battle task. I will have tons of work to do in hopes that I will one day be okay with showing my extroverted side to other people outside of the internet.
Letters From Liz. 