For most of my twenties, I had carried trauma from events that happened when I was a teenager. It’s no surprise that in the seven years I’ve been writing for the blog, I spoke about this trauma to acknowledge it, accept it, and to diffuse the energy that I allowed for it to carry. Within this last decade, I’ve sat down with my therapist to talk about the events in detail and identify the triggers so that when they arise, I don’t allow it to affect me as it usually does. This work took years for me to finally accept it for what it was and to ultimately forgive myself for the role I played in this event. It wasn’t until later in life that I decided to forgive those who contributed to my trauma; not because I actually forgave them, but because I need to move on and, yet again, diffuse the energy it held. I finally allowed myself to let that trauma go and not let it affect how i lived my life back in 2021.
I was finally free from ever experiencing another ‘traumaversary’; you know, the time of year when the traumatic event happened. Mine were in January and in May; it felt good to take back the positive energy of my birthday month and what was once my favorite month of the year because the weather was at it’s best this time of year.
That was, until February 2023 came around and gave me some new traumaversaries; back to back in the same week.
Hi, my name is Liz, and I am currently going through my 1st-year traumaversary. It is notable that the first year is the most challenging.
The thing about having a traumaversary is that it is sort of like a holiday; you don’t really think about it until the time of year comes around. After moving forward from that situation, I went about my life and made 2023 one of the best years I’ve had in recent date. I entered 2024 knowing that this time of year would come again and I would be brought back to thinking about my trauma in ways that normally would not trigger me. For example, I went for my usual coffee talk and put a random playlist on shuffle. I skipped a couple of songs until this one particular song began to play, and I was immediately taken back to red hair and bleach-eyebrow Liz, sitting on my bed crying my eyes out and singing along. The lyrics to the song talk about being heartbroken and wanting nothing more than to erase the memories away by destroying yourself in the process. I immediately skipped it, not being able to handle listening to the song.
This song was one of my top played songs of 2023.
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that trauma resurfaces in ways that you’re not always ready for, no matter how long its been since going through that traumatic experience or how much progress you’ve made in healing from that trauma. Trauma isn’t linear, and you never really know when or how it will resurface itself; for me, it’s always around the time of year that the event happened. During that time of year, I am extra cautious when it comes to my mental health and my overall well-being.
I am reminded that I’ve come a long way since experiencing that trauma. I make sure to let myself know that I did what I needed to do for myself in order to move forward and begin the process of healing. Since then, I’ve learned so much about my needs and what type of interactions with people I wanted to have. I’ve learned how to be my own best friend by taking myself out to shows and concerts and give myself the same love and care I would give to others. I’ve learned that I also need to have boundaries with myself because I am not perfect nor am I excluded from having the toxic traits that I don’t allow others to have around me. Although I am able to move on with my life and learn from these unfortunate events, it still doesn’t make these anniversaries any easier, especially if they are from recent.
For me, I am taking care of my mental health by doing some self care; in this case, it’s writing a lot. Writing helps me diffuse that energy that these events still carry, and talking about them out loud instead of allowing it to circulate in my mind until the time passes. I know that in this time, I will mourn the loss of the person I was prior to this traumatic experience, and yes, I will sink into this rabbit hole and think to myself, “I was so different before everything happened; life was so different.” It’s normal to mourn the losses that these events caused, and it’s completely okay to miss the people involved and the person you were, but you have to remind yourself why you chose to make the decisions you made and again, remind yourself that the progress you made since experiencing any trauma is worth acknowledging.
At the end of the day, your traumaversary will pass, and you will make it to see another day, week, and year. Just be gentle with yourself.
Letters From Liz. 