My first therapy session of the new year was all about how I measure my growth and success with years. “I find it fascinating how you use years as markers of your growth. It’s something I’ve noticed about you over the years.” I remember expressing my concerns for this year specifically. I remember telling her that I was afraid that this year would become the year that I would lose all the progress I’d made in the previous years. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle this next stage of life, worrying about more adult-like problems and learning how to solve them on my own. I was already getting bad ideas about what my 29th year would be like. “It all goes downhill when you turn 29, especially since you’ll be in Saturn’s return. That shit will break you, that’s for sure.”
In a way, I was right about what I said to my therapist. Those around me were right about your 29th year breaking you down. What I failed to realize (and didn’t expect) was that this year would’ve been my most transformative yet.
2023 was my transformation year.
I began the year feeling experimental in a way. I wanted to test the limits of my appearance and break my own boundaries of what beauty should look like. I went from having a dark auburn hair color to a bright red, and on top of that, I bleached my eyebrows. It was different, but it had become a staple and it represented who I was entering this year. I celebrated my birthday in good company, whether it was at work or earlier that day or back at home with my family or on a video chat with my closest friends. The year had begun on a good note, but what the rest of the winter months had in store for me was something I wasn’t ready or prepared for—
But can you truly prepare yourself for something you never saw coming? Not even the most pessimistic person can.
Life quickly reminded me that it’s nice to wear rose-tinted glasses and see the world as something I conquered at the very young age of 29. I had begun seeing true colors come out in scenarios I was too blind to see. I had begun to not trust anything anyone told me after losing trust in those I trusted with my life just days apart from each other. I went to work one Tuesday afternoon and cried in my boss’ office, asking if I could have an hour to have an emergency therapy session in the break room with my therapist. I had felt the most exposed since, well since I felt this same exact way back in high school when it happened. I was scared. I thought all the progress I had made in the last couple of years was now disappearing.
I had to step back from a lot of things that made me who I was: hobbies, interests, and the people I had cherished in my life.
Slowly, I was losing my identity and desperately was looking for a new one. Nothing that I had loved for the last couple of years felt right to me anymore, and I was slowly unable to use those interests and hobbies to escape reality anymore; not even when I felt like I was going into survival mode.
I thought cutting my hair and bleaching it to purple, then pink, then blonde would help start the process of rediscovering myself once again. For the next couple of months, I was left questioning what was truly right for me and how I was supposed to go back to a space where I felt like myself again. Newsflash: it wasn’t something I realized on one random day.
I questioned everything and everyone in my life at this point. I wanted to run away and start over like I did in the past. I felt like I was taking so many steps back from the progress I’ve made, and something just switched in me this summer.
I wanted to do things differently. I wanted to heal in a way I could never have done before. I wanted to gain control back in my life. I wanted to be gentle with myself as I was starting this new journey of finding myself again. What does Liz look like at the end of her twenties? What does she want to leave behind and what lessons does she want to take with her? Who is Liz at this very moment, after being completely stripped from whom she thought she knew about herself?
I decided to start doing things for myself without feeling guilty of putting myself first. I decided to go on solo adventures without feeling like I was a loser for doing so. I decided to set boundaries with not only the people in my life, but I learned how to set boundaries with myself too. I had to learn that I was not always the victim in bad situations; I was also responsible for any outcomes of these situations. I learned that my toxic traits deserved the same treatment as I gave those who were toxic for me, and I think that’s the big takeaway in the progress I’ve made this year; even more so, the transformation I’ve had this year.
I am not perfect, I am not a saint, and I am not “the main character”. I am a person who is capable of making mistakes, being the reason that others are feeling hurt and that I am nothing special (in a realistic way).
2023 had taught me that I always had what I wanted, to be quite honest. I’ve learned to be my own best friend and support myself in the ways I would for other people I’ve had as best friends. I’ve learned that Meg, my sibling, has been my one true friend all of these years despite us being two different people with two different lifestyles and interests. I’ve learned that trust is built by backing up your words with action; say what you mean and mean what you say, as I was once taught all those years ago. I’ve learned that with hard work, passion, and a new direction professionally, good things will come your way and that hard work does not go unnoticed.
For me, I was hired full-time at my job after a year and a half of being a part-time College Assistant. I am now salaried with benefits and protected by a union, and in a position where (finally) my master’s degree came into play to qualify me for this position. I love my job, and I am so grateful that in the year that I’ve known my boss, she has seen longevity and potential in me to be in such a higher position. I am grateful for coworkers like Christine who create space for me to unapologetically be myself. I am grateful for all of the wonderful women (and two men, who really make my job easy and collaborative; in a way, we are all a work family.
I’ve truly transformed into the best version of myself, and yes I know I say that tons of times, but this time feels different. I feel like everything that I endured and learned this year specifically is preparing me for the next decade of my life. This time last year, I was terrified of turning 29 solely because I felt like I was not ready to enter my 30s. This year, I feel so ready and excited to enter this next milestone in my life! 2023 has made me so excited to see what the future has in store for me: with a 30th birthday vacation happening next month, a sibling’s day out to see Chicago on Broadway in February, and potentially working towards going back to school in 2025 to get my doctoral degree.
Thank you, 2023, for being the year of transformation and redemption. It’s one that I’ll never forget in my journey.
Happy Holidays, blog readers! ♥️
Letters From Liz. 