To be selfish and to feel guilty are universally two things that are meant to be negative. We as a society look down on selfishness; we think those who are selfish are incapable of caring about other people’s feelings, are narcissistic, and are all-around toxic human beings. We are taught at a young age to always be nice to people, and to the key to being a good person is being good to those around you, no matter what. We are taught to always do the right thing, even when it doesn’t always feel like we are truly doing the wrong thing for ourselves.
And then you grow up to be a people-pleaser, pleasing everyone around you because you were taught that was what made you a good person. Being selfish makes you a bad person, according to society. So when you find yourself putting your foot down to take care of your own well-being, knowing that what was ultimately bringing you down was the idea that you had to please everyone around you, you start to be labeled as selfish. Self-centered. Narcissistic, even. How do we live in a society that accepts self-love, but is so quick to call you selfish for doing just that? After a while, you start to feel guilty for the decisions you make. You think that every decision you make for yourself and what you may possibly need to do for yourself is considered selfish.
If you feel guilty for making decisions depending on what you want and need out of life, then you are doing it right.
Hi, my name is Liz, and I am learning that feeling guilty for being selfish with yourself does not make you a bad person.
A couple of weeks ago, I went into my therapy session talking about all the fun and amazing things I’ve been doing lately. I told my therapist that I went to a taping of The Kelly Clarkson Show back in October, and I even went to my first adult Halloween party and wasn’t severely anxious. She was happy for me, telling me that I was now doing the things I told her all of these years I eventually wanted to do when I was ready. In true Cathy-fashion, she asked me what do I think was the shift in me; when do I think was the changing point in which I felt like I was ready to do these things and not second guess myself doing them?
I told her it was when I stopped feeling guilty for doing things for myself, for the intent of making myself happy.
The thing about being in a transitional phase of your life is that you will feel guilty for leaving the people that you have been with when you were stagnant. The people that met you in the time of your life before your transitional phase begin to see your progress as abandonment to their relationship with them. People will be happy for you because they should be, it makes them look like a good person. But, they will make sure that you know that while you’re bettering yourself, you’re leaving them behind.
I felt guilty for most of the decisions I made; going to concerts by myself, going out for the night with friends and staying off the internet as much as possible doing so. My life was not only transitioning emotionally and physically, but it was also transitioning to be in a more present state of mind. That didn’t include my online persona anymore.
I felt guilty for showing up for myself first instead of showing up for others, pleasing those who were stuck viewing me as I once was.
I had to learn that the guilt didn’t come from me making bad decisions; how is showing up for yourself a bad decision? The guilt, however, came from the influence of society’s view of what it meant to be a good person. Put others first. Be considerate of other people’s feelings despite how much they contrast from your own. Always show up for people and attend to them before you do the same for yourself. I was constantly being told I had to do things and be a certain way to be liked and to keep people in my life, despite how I felt or what I was personally going through.
And let’s get one thing straight: I am not bitter nor am I saying the people around me needed to respect and understand my transitional phase. As I get older, I am learning that not everyone will see things the way I do or react to things the way I do. Some will, most will not.
But one thing that should be universally understood is that any steps made towards being a better version of yourself should be accepting. We shouldn’t feel guilty for letting things that do not serve us anymore go or simply doing things that nurtures our soul.
It’s why I ultimately let penpal writing go for good after doing it for two years. Granted, I should’ve stopped doing it a year ago when I fell out of love with the hobby, but the level of guilt for leaving people behind and letting go a part of my identity was too strong for me to do it sooner. Sure, I still have some guilt behind the decision, but my soul feels lighter. It feels excited to fill in that spot with something that truly excites me. I know eventually the guilt will go away, as it did for everything else I left behind this past year, and I know that in the end it was the right decision.
Because like I said: if you are feeling guilty for doing something for yourself, it means you are doing whatever you doing right.
Letters From Liz. 