I sat outside the school before going home. It was pathetic, but I had nowhere else to go besides straight home, and I didn’t feel like going home just yet. I wanted to hang out with Milo; I wanted nothing more than to go to the pizza place and get a slice while we talked about anything we wanted to. I miss the days when Milo and I did that; I don’t even remember the last time we did something like that.
I guess I didn’t realize it’s been so long because I hang out with Aaron most days after school. Maybe I’m only realizing just how much I miss hanging out with Milo because this is the first time in a long time that I haven’t spent my time after school with Aaron. I was supposed to meet with Aaron near my locker after class, but I ditched him after hearing those girls talk about him in math class. I didn’t understand what was happening; I mean, Aaron and I never made it official; like we aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend, but we act like we are. Whenever we hang out, we hold hands when we walk and he kisses me on the cheek and he always hugs me. Aaron always gave the best hugs.
I start to feel the tears fall from my eyes again, and I immediately wiped them away. The last thing I needed was some dumb kid looking at me cry over a boy on the front steps of the school. I just didn’t know what to do or feel at this moment. I want to run away and hide from everyone, but I feel stuck in these steps. Maybe I’m just here because I know that once I go home, I will just let my thoughts get the best of me and I’ll start crying. I looked at my phone to see if Milo maybe messaged me; nothing. He’s probably with Sophie like he always is.
This is when I get up from where I’m sitting and just go–
“Mols?” I heard Aaron’s voice call me by the nickname he only calls me, and I feel my heart jump around along my chest. I look up and see Aaron standing at the end of the bench, looking directly at me. I looked away quickly; I really didn’t want him to see me upset. It wasn’t long after that I felt him sit next to me on the bench. “Mollie?” Fuck. Not my full name.
I looked up at him and I can see the confusion written all over his face. He looked hurt like me not meeting him after class affected him negatively. That’s not how a guy talking to multiple girls acts. I felt bad, but then I hear those two annoying girls in my head, talking about Aaron like they knew him the way I did. When did I become this jealous? Did it mean that I actually wanted more than what we already are? How can I trust a guy as talented and as known as Aaron Serrano to want to be just my boyfriend? Maybe he has an agenda like every boy on this planet. Why would Aaron actually like me?
“Is everything okay?” Aaron asked. I sighed and faked a smile; I didn’t want to get into everything at this point. If anything, I just wanted my mind to quiet down.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t they be?” I answered, picking the nail polish off my nails. Aaron watched as I did as if he already knew my nervous ticks and defense mechanisms to save face.
“You weren’t at your locker after class,” Aaron pointed out. “You always meet me at your locker so that we could go to practice together.” Fuck. I totally forgot we had band practice in the city today.
“Why didn’t you go without me?” I genuinely asked, worried that his bandmates would be angry at him for missing a practice. Aaron tilted his head like he was confused.
“Because I was trying to find you all this time,” Aaron answered, sounding as if he was growing annoyed at me. I rolled my eyes, getting frustrated all over again at him. Why would be trying to find me? Clearly, if I wasn’t where I was supposed to be, that meant I didn’t want to be found. I wanted to be invisible.
“You should’ve just gone without me,” I started to say. “Now your bandmates are gonna be mad at you for missing a rehearsal so close to the show–“
“You think I give a shit about that?” Aaron interrupted me to say. “Plus, you’re a part of that group. You’re our lead singer,” Aaron emphasized. A couple of weeks ago, Aaron told me that the band wanted to change their image up a bit and thought it would be good to have a girl sing the lead vocals. Aaron asked me if I was interested in joining his band to sing. Of course, I was nervous at first; I was now entering a band that had a solid lineup prior to me ever knowing Aaron. But, I found myself enjoying being a part of the band; not only was I singing lead in a band, but I was hanging out with Aaron and I couldn’t deny the fact that I valued the time we would spend together. Stupidly of me, I thought I was different.
“Yeah, well I didn’t feel like going,” I said, grabbing my bag from the bench and getting ready to leave. Aaron places his hand gently on top of mine to stop me from getting up. I looked at him as he looked at me. “What?” I coldly said.
“What’s wrong?” Aaron finally asked without any gentleness, like he was done being nice to me and wanted to get straight to the point. It pissed me off, why couldn’t he take what I was saying as it was and just leave me the fuck alone?
“Nothing,” I simply said.
“Ronnie said you were upset when you left your class; what happened in your class?” Aaron was trying to put the pieces together. It felt like he was trying to pull out teeth one by one until he was able to get to the root of it all. I warned him, and he wasn’t getting it. You wanna know? Fuck it.
“Oh nothing, just the fact that I had to sit in front of Bella and her annoying ass friend and hear them talk about how she can’t wait to see you at your next show,” I confessed. “So much for inviting me to your showcase because you only wanted me there, huh?”
“Bella?” Aaron asked.
“Yeah, Bella!” I yelled. “What, is she your girlfriend or something, or is she just your biggest groupie?” Aaron looked mad about what I was saying. It was out there and I couldn’t stop any more from coming out. “Because the way she spoke about you, it was like you guys are officially a couple or some stupid shit.”
“Bella is just a girl in my dual major rehearsals,” Aaron explained. “She’s also a senior.”
“Oh,” I sarcastically said. “A senior! Wow, how does it feel to be a freshman scoring with a dumb senior that’s still taking freshman math?!”
“You think Bella and I are dating?” Aaron repeated back to me. “You’re kidding, right?”
“Don’t be one of those guys that deny dating someone when literally she spoke about you as if you were,” I spat back to Aaron. I didn’t see anything but red at this point. I know what I heard and saw with my two eyes.
“What in your right mind thought that Bella and I were dating?” Aaron began to raise his voice back at me. “Seriously, Mollie; she’s just a girl in the dual major rehearsals like we have to talk to each other because we are a part of the same ensemble for the showcase–“
“So, let me get the facts straight,” I spoke over Aaron. “She’s a senior, she’s pretty and popular, and she’s also a dual major. What does she dual major in?” I asked.
“Why?” Aaron asked. “Why does that matter?”
“What does she dual major in?!” I yelled out. Aaron paused to look at me, and I hate the look he was giving me. He looks like he’s just seen me for my true colors like I wasn’t the cool and chill girl he thought I was. I hate how this was going and how I was reacting to everything. I felt like I was suffocating in this conversation and grasping for any sort of oxygen to keep me still breathing. Why did it matter what Bella majored in? Why was that the one thing I wanted to know?
“Vocal and dance,” Aaron finally answered. The answer wasn’t shocking, but I was dreading that to be the answer. I had a feeling Bella was a vocal and dance dual major just in the way she carried herself. She looked like she came from money, and in order to be even considered for Waverly’s dance program alone, you needed the money to be a part of it. Costumes and hairpieces and travel fees… that all had to be paid by the student.
It was something I wanted to do when I auditioned for Waverly, and when I got the acceptance letter to be a dual major myself, I declined it. I couldn’t do it. For Aaron to have found someone who was everything I wanted to hurts the most.
“I guess she was everything you wanted, huh?” I finally said. I wanted to cry and run away, but something kept telling me to stay and to hear Aaron out. I just wanted to understand what was it about Bella that made him want to talk to her and invite her to his shows. I wanted to hear him say the things that I needed to hear, and the longer I sat here waiting for him to say them, the more desperate I became.
“Mollie, are you hearing yourself? I didn’t say anything about Bella in that way,” Aaron tried to reason with me. “I don’t know what you heard from Bella and her gossiping to her friends, but I simply invited her to the show because she asked. Her brother is Xavier.”
“Brother?” I repeated.
“Yeah, Mols,” Aaron stated. “I don’t see Bella in the way you think I see her. She’s a friend.”
“But, she made it seem like she liked you more than a friend,” I explained.
“But that doesn’t mean I like her more than a friend,” Aaron looked me in the eyes as he spoke to me. “And I don’t.” I didn’t say anything after that; in a way, I felt incredibly stupid for letting something like this get to me like this. Maybe I couldn’t hide it anymore. Maybe I needed to know in this exact minute what are we, just so I can either feel some sort of relief or go home and cry my eyes out. Either way, I wasn’t leaving until I knew.
“So what is it, really?” I simply asked. Aaron scrunched his eyebrows, appearing confused.
“I told you, Bella and I are—”
“No,” I interrupted him. “I meant… what really is this?” I asked as I pointed to myself and him. Aaron looked flustered and at a loss for words. What he lacked in this moment I had too much of it, and I needed to control this situation.
“Aaron,” I gently said his name. “I don’t want to be one of those jealous girls and explode on the littlest things, but I realize I acted that way because, well, I don’t know what we are. You never asked me to be your girlfriend.” Everything was now out in the air. I wanted to vomit the nerves out of my stomach. Looking at Aaron piece together his thoughts before he spoke was killing me. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe Aaron never wanted to be more than friends with me.
“I didn’t know you wanted that, Mols,” Aaron started to say. “You never brought this up before.”
“I shouldn’t have to,” I snapped back, feeling defensive. “You should want it too if you felt the same way!”
“I can’t read your mind,” Aaron started to say. “I can’t assume you feel the same way about me when you haven’t said anything about it.”
“Then what was all that crap after the showcase about?!” I yelled out. Aaron looked around, seeming worried that someone would hear us. I didn’t care enough to lower my voice. “Being the rockstar’s girlfriend? Saying you like me and that you kissed me?! It was like that night happened and never spoke of it again!” Aaron didn’t know how to respond, and I guess his lack of response made me realize that I was a fool all this time. I grabbed my bag from the bench for real this time and walk away.
“Mollie, wait!” I hear Aaron call out. I don’t turn around and I don’t look back. I don’t want Aaron to see the tears falling down my ace at this point.
Letters From Liz. 