Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: October 2018 Edition.

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

First and foremost, I would like to mention that today marks 9 years since I’ve first met my partner, and I find it unfathomable how long it’s been! My partner and I met in high-school; he was a senior and I was a sophomore. It’s crazy to know that we are now both in our mid-20’s, growing and learning new things from each other as the years go by. I’m immensely grateful to have him in my life and for him to inspire and motivate me each and every day. Here’s to another year, love! ❤

Now: onto this month’s very positive and very early edition of:

Screenshot 2017-10-15 at 11.56.11 PM

We are only 9 days into this new month and I’ve learned so much about myself and my progress to self-discovery. I don’t know how it happened, and I don’t know when that switch in me flicked on, but it did, and I can feel a difference in almost everything in life.

It’s like I’m… finally happy again?

I mean, I still have my moments where that negativity creeps into my days and I let it consume all of my positive energy of that day, but most of the days (compared to the ones a couple of months ago) are filled with inspiration and motivation. Personally, I haven’t felt that way in a really long time, and half of that was due to the anxiety I was experiencing. I personally believe that seeking therapy and taking medication is helping me tremendously, and I’m not afraid to share these things and revelations about myself to the world.

Last Thursday, I got the opportunity to discuss my MA Thesis experience to my class of grad students that I TA with my former thesis advisor. I got to share an excerpt of my thesis with the slides I used for my graduate conference back before I graduated, and I got the chance to get real with them on my experience regarding my writing process and my grad school experience. At first, I was a bit nervous; public speaking really isn’t my thing and I stutter way too much when I’m nervous, but I got through it in the best way possible without letting my anxiety take over the entire night I had left. Afterward, I was able to have like a “Q&A” type of dialogue with these students, answering all the questions that I remember myself having when I was in their position. I’m immensely grateful that I was able to do what I did that night because it gave students an insight on a program that they aren’t familiar with, yet are able to move forward with their studies with at least this discussion in mind.

I ended my discussion on a more serious note because let’s face it: that’s just the type of person I am. I shared something that I regret not doing/lacked doing during my experience as a grad student: I told them I regret not being more assertive with myself and not prioritizing my needs as a person. I told them that there are going to be people in your life who are not going to understand the type of commitment and sacrifices you make in order to proceed in this program and to meet the expectations that this program requires of you. I’ve admitted I lost myself along the way while getting this degree. I lost a lot of people because they just didn’t understand what I was going through. I admitted it took a while for me to find myself again and what actually drove me through this dark time. It was my thesis and the desire of wanting to be heard.

For the sake of remaining somewhat professional because I mean I cursed like a goddamn sailor when I get nervous and passionate and shit, I didn’t share my story about my anxiety disorder. In a sense, I didn’t want tonight to be about that; I didn’t want my anxiety disorder or the development of my anxiety disorder to honestly scare anyone who was still new to the program, but I made it known that it was extremely important to take care of yourself through this time in your life because there are going to be times where you feel out of control. I know I did.

In other news, my former thesis advisor gave me some insight on a course that she is teaching this upcoming Spring semester that normally I would shy away from. This undergrad course is a lot different: it’s a first-year writing course with students that are on academic probation. These students aren’t like the average college student; their struggles of maintaining their GPA stem from so many factors, and in most cases: they are reasons that are uncontrollable and undeniably sad. These group of students is typically minorities that, to say it bluntly: been through some shit. I was warned that this class was going to be a challenging one: these students are most likely are not going to want to be there, they’ll have a hard time paying attention, and being assertive as an instructor to keep them on track is going to sometimes happen. She asked me if it still appealed to me, and I said yeah. Something in me wanted to challenge myself in a way that I never really saw myself doing. It honestly wasn’t until after that class that I realized just how much I’m challenging my anxiety in order for me to take back control of my own body.

Yes, there are still times when anxiety gets the best of me and I have to stop what I’m doing to relax and calm myself down, but I’ve accepted the fact that it’s bound to happen and that I should be okay if it does. Because I come out of it feeling fine anyways. I can calm down and then get back on track with my day. This is me managing it in the best way possible, and one way I found best to manage it is to challenge yourself. Of course, when you’re up for it and confident enough to go for something challenging.

So yeah. I’ve learned a lot about myself, my anxiety, and most importantly where my passion lies. I’m far from being where I want to be, but I’m happy to be in the place that I am; one that I didn’t see myself being in this time 4 months ago.

Challenge yourself. Learn more about yourself. Watch yourself blossom.

 

-Liz. (:

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